Good Day to all you Pagans and Witches.
I hope you’re all behaving yourselves.
Please remember to follow the Threefold Law today because, apparently, somebody somewhere has decided that it applies to everybody.
Didn’t vote for them?
Never appointed them?
Never asked them to supervise your spiritual path?
Never mind.
Apparently, they’re in charge now.
So please be good little Pagans and Witches and follow the rules.
After centuries of persecution by organised religions telling people what they could believe, how they should behave and what would happen if they disobeyed, we’ve apparently learned a valuable lesson:
Let’s create our own version of it.
Brilliant.
Apparently, Paganism and Witchcraft now need authorities, organisations, approved terminology, acceptable opinions and people standing around deciding what everyone else should and shouldn’t be doing.
Because nothing screams “spiritual freedom” quite like somebody else giving you a list of instructions.
And remember, Paganism is apparently a religion now.
Did everyone agree to that?
Of course not.
Did every Witch ask to become part of a religion?
No.
Did every Pagan suddenly decide they needed organisations and representatives speaking on their behalf?
Not exactly.
But don’t worry about little details like consent.
The important thing is that somebody has decided what’s best for you.
PLEASE USE THE CORRECT WITCHY VOCABULARY
Thinking of calling yourself a Baby Witch?
Oh dear.
You’d better check whether you’re allowed first.
Apparently, somewhere along the road, certain people acquired ownership of the English language and now get to decide which words Witches may use to describe themselves.
So before choosing your spiritual identity, perhaps submit the appropriate paperwork to the Department of Approved Witchcraft Terminology.
Allow six to eight weeks for processing.
Your Witch Licence should arrive shortly afterwards.
AND PLEASE DON’T USE AI
That’s naughty too.
Apparently, some people within the Pagan community have decided AI is unacceptable.
So immediately switch off your computer.
And your smartphone.
And perhaps stop using modern search engines, photo software, predictive text, spam filters, recommendation systems and numerous other services incorporating machine-learning technology.
Actually, perhaps just go and live in a cave.
Although you’d better check whether the cave has been spiritually approved first.
There’s something wonderfully ridiculous about using modern technology to post online telling other people which modern technology they’re permitted to use.
But apparently irony isn’t on the approved reading list.
HAVE WE LEARNED NOTHING?
This is where the joke stops being funny.
For generations, people fought against institutions that claimed authority over individual belief.
Pagans, Witches, freethinkers and countless others suffered because somebody else believed they had the right to say:
“This is what you must believe.”
And now we have people within Paganism and Witchcraft apparently thinking:
“That’s a fantastic system. Let’s have one of those.”
No thanks.
I didn’t leave one collection of religious commandments behind because I was desperately searching for another.
I don’t need a Pagan Pope.
I don’t need the Witchcraft Police.
I don’t need a committee deciding whether my terminology is acceptable.
I don’t need somebody checking whether my personal practice complies with the latest edition of the Official Pagan Rulebook.
And I certainly don’t need self-appointed experts deciding whether I’m Pagan or Witchy enough to meet their standards.
WHO PUT THESE PEOPLE IN CHARGE?
That’s the question we should be asking much more often.
Who elected them?
Who appointed them?
Who handed them authority over Paganism?
Who decided they speak for Witches?
Who decided their interpretation of Paganism is more legitimate than yours?
Usually, the answer is remarkably simple:
They did.
Somebody gains a title, joins an organisation, runs a website, collects qualifications, writes a book or becomes popular on social media and suddenly starts behaving as though they’ve been handed the Keys to Paganism.
Congratulations.
You have a certificate.
I’m sure it’s lovely.
Perhaps frame it.
It still doesn’t make you the spiritual landlord of everybody else.
Knowledge deserves respect.
Experience deserves respect.
Research deserves respect.
But none of those things gives somebody ownership over another person’s spiritual path.
THE THREEFOLD LAW IS NOT A PAGAN SPEED LIMIT
Want to follow the Threefold Law?
Excellent.
Follow it.
Believe every action returns threefold if that makes sense within your spiritual practice.
But here’s the revolutionary idea:
Someone else doesn’t have to.
A Wiccan principle does not automatically become universal Pagan law simply because somebody repeats it loudly enough.
Paganism is enormous.
Witchcraft is enormously varied.
Different traditions have different beliefs, ethics and practices.
That’s supposed to be one of our strengths.
Yet somehow there are always people desperately trying to squeeze everybody into the same little spiritual box.
And naturally, they get terribly upset when some of us refuse to climb inside.
FREEDOM DOESN’T DISAPPEAR ALL AT ONCE
This is the serious point underneath the sarcasm.
Freedom usually isn’t taken away with one dramatic announcement.
It gets chipped away.
“Don’t use that word.”
“Don’t practise that way.”
“Real Witches don’t do that.”
“Proper Pagans believe this.”
“You shouldn’t read that.”
“You shouldn’t use that technology.”
“Our organisation doesn’t approve.”
And eventually we end up with exactly what many people came to Paganism and Witchcraft to escape:
Other people telling us what we’re allowed to believe.
So perhaps it’s time for Pagans and Witches to rediscover a wonderfully dangerous practice.
Thinking for ourselves.
Read books.
Study history.
Listen to experienced practitioners.
Talk to Wiccans.
Talk to Druids.
Talk to Heathens.
Talk to traditional Witches.
Talk to solitary practitioners.
Listen to organisations when they have something worthwhile to say.
Then make your own bloody mind up.
Your path belongs to you.
Not Facebook.
Not a Pagan organisation.
Not an influencer.
Not somebody with a degree.
Not somebody with an impressive title.
Not somebody who has practised for forty years.
And certainly not somebody who appeared five minutes ago declaring themselves the official spokesperson for Witchcraft.
Advice is not authority.
Experience is not ownership.
Knowledge is not a licence to control other people.
PAGANISM DOES NOT NEED ANOTHER CHURCH
If we aren’t careful, we’ll spend years criticising organised religion for its hierarchy, commandments and gatekeeping — and then recreate the entire bloody thing ourselves with pentacles painted on it.
Same control.
Different decorations.
That would be quite an achievement.
Centuries of struggling for religious and spiritual freedom, only to voluntarily hand it back because somebody on the internet told us we weren’t practising Witchcraft correctly.
So have a wonderful day.
Follow the Threefold Law if you believe in it.
Call yourself a Baby Witch if you want to.
Use AI if you choose to.
Worship gods.
Don’t worship gods.
Join a coven.
Practise alone.
Follow traditions.
Create your own practice.
Learn.
Question.
Change your mind.
Make mistakes.
And occasionally tell the Pagan Police to mind their own bloody business.
Because Paganism and Witchcraft may offer something increasingly precious:
the freedom to think, question and find your own path.
Don’t surrender that freedom to people simply because they’ve appointed themselves guardians of it.
And if we’re foolish enough to let people who don’t know their arses from their elbows run the whole bloody show, one day we may discover they’ve created exactly what so many of us never wanted:
another organised religion telling us what to think.
Only this time it’ll have a pentacle on the letterhead.
